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RVideo
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#1
07-24-2013
Default Why Oblivion is the worst piece of shit I have seen in years (spoilers)

Spoilers (maybe)


I know there is already a thread on Oblivion but Im so pissed that I wasted my time and money on this fucking turkey. As a sci fi nerd I have a lot of tolerance for garbage and plot issues but this movie was so, so badly written I cant even begin to tell you how fucking terrible it was. Where do I even begin.

The living quarters (start of the movie)
Generic sterile environment that if anyone were to live in they probably would blow their brains out. There is no explanation where they get food or water for that matter. 99.99999% of the earth is desolate, radiated and obliterated and yet somehow they manage to have a pool, yes that's right a pool, in their house in the clouds.

Tom Cruise never needs a helmet. Because his head is apparently concrete.
Every fighter pilot in the history of aviation has worn some kind of a helmet or head protection. But not Tom Cruise! Nope, he can perform impossible maneuvers flipping and turning, corkscrewing and freefalling in his little stupid helicopter thing. Often he performs these stunts (all CGI obv) that would make even the most veteranized professional pilots green and puking, but not Tom! Oh no, his hair is barely even scruffled. He doesn't even sweat.
Oh yeah, he crashes his little sperm-copter again, no helmet and walks away without a scratch.
Twice.
And yet the viewer is supposed to believe that a simple dual-shoulder harness would keep him in his seat during all these moves, physically impossible.

Morgan Freeman's character is a total Morpheus ripoff.
What a generic and overdone ripoff. The Matrix (1999) did a spectacular job portaying Morpheus. Played by Lawrence Fishburne who is a great actor, Morpheus was a strong, leader-like black gentleman who wore sunglasses, a black cape-like coat and had a velvety smooth voice, like butta. In this movie, Morgan Freeman is a copypaste of exactly Morpheus. There's only one problem. He is a human survivor and leader of the scags (the rebel survivors) and they all live underground in poorly lit tunnels. So, you know, of course he still has to wear fucking SUNGLASSES which makes no sense at all from a storytelling point of view, but hey it looks good on the screen.

Morgan Freeman's number 2 guy is a generic ripoff of Aragorn and evidently has the only gun that actually works against the bad guy Drones.
OK now imagine this. You are one of the survivors of a resistance force who is fighting these robot drone things. One problem: The only gun that apparently is effective at fighting them is this long-ass sniper rifle that #2 has. What do you do? Priority one: Get as many of these fucking things, or make them, as you possibly can. Everyone else shoots at the Drones and their guns are utter garbage, even the scene where Morgan Freeman fires off about 40,000 rounds at a single drone, and he can't even hit any of its sensors.

Story error: No explanation how the Scabs survive.
Where do they get fresh water? How do they grow food? They all appear to be generic, grey, dirty, raggedy survivors and they all look shell-shocked. All they do is evidently stand around and wait for Morgan Freeman to yell LIGHTS. In reality they should all be working very hard to survive somehow.

Story error:No explanation how Jack (Cruise) magically knows how to open the Cryostasis chamber for his wife, or even if that was safe.
He just drags the coffin right on into the living room floor and BAM he just magically knows how to open it! He has no idea if he's gonna kill the woman inside it (who is in stasis). Just FLINGS that motherfucker right on open! Which makes me think of the next thing

Story error: Jack is a soldier, a tech, a pilot, a hacker, a doctor and an astronavigator, all in one!
Jack is magically able to do all these things, skillsets that would take a lifetime each to learn on their own, but he literally is a Jack of all trades! He can heal his wife with the generic Healing Laser Of Unlimited Power! And.. AANND...It's handheld! But he knows it will hurt. How is one character able to pilot a sperm-copter more proficiently than any pilot in the history of aviation AND magically know how to hack the drone AND drive a fucking STARSHIP out of orbit? Nobody could possibly do all this shit in one story. His character is just too good to be true and not believable at all. Garbage writing.

Story error: Victor (the redhead) never questions who the mysterious woman is. She just calmly accepts that 'someone new' is in da house.
Obviously this story was written by a male who has no idea how to to characterize female characters whatsoever. He (or they) use the famous hat-trick writing move where there is 'another woman' in the story. The writers know that if he or they can dazzle the women watching with this conflict in the storyline, they will ignore the fact that there are so many story errors and disconintuities in the movie that all theyll care about is who is left standing (which is easy to predict 20 minutes into the damn thing)

Story error: Jack is singlehandedly able to lift a 300 pound coffin onto his sperm-copter
There is never an explanation how he is able to drag and lift a 300 pound coffin cryo thing 10 feet in the air and onto the sperm-copter with no help.

Story error:Jack is able to breathe toxic, burning air without a respirator.
He lands not once but TWICE into a burning landing area. Shit's burning all round. Plastic? Metal? Slag? Wood? All we know is that something's burning, and not only does SuperJack not need a helmet, like ever, he also can magically breathe toxic fumes! No mask, no respirator, no filtration at all. Why is this you may ask? Because he is just so goddamn pretty we can't have pesky things like helmets and respirators getting in the way of his facetime with the camera.

Jack never gets short of breath. Never. And oh yeah. He doesn't bruise.
Any normal person who runs more than a couple hundred feet in a sprint, even if they are reasonably fit are going to have increased respirations and sweat a little. But Jack can amazingly crash his copter, scale down a rope 60 feet, scale UP a rope 60 feet (which is extremely physically demanding no matter who you are) and have enough breath left over to yell NOT MY GODDMAN BIKE!! Anyone else would probably not say anything because they just climbed a 60 foot cable. Fuck the bike just call your redheaded girlfriend you stupid idiot.

Not only that, but he takes a fullon rifle-butt stright to the face but in the next scene all he sustains is a small, tiny lil scratch across his nose. Any other person would have half their face severely bruised to shit if that ever happened to them. Even when the Scab *does* actually rifle-butt him while he's obviously incapacitated and down, there is no story exlanation why they had to do that when Morgan Freeman's character was simultaneously so in love with him because he was 'different' than the other ones.

Story error: No explanation how the Magic Cable appears.
Jack tries to escape the Scabs from the buried library. His escape cable snaps, he falls, gets rescued by Drone 166, drone flies away. Magically and without explanation, a NEW cable appears out of nowhere. Even if it could be explained that one of the Scabs dropped the cable, WHAT THE FUCK would they even be doing with such a long length of cable on the desert surface? Oh yeah like.. There may be some dude who is stuck so we will just have this handy cable to keep the story going. This is another example of fantastically terrible writing.

Story Error: You find out you are a clone. You meet another clone of you. What do you do?
Well the answer is obviously that you fight him! Just fight! Mooortttaallll kooooommmmbbaatttt (cue dramatic music.)
No, actually let me tell you what happens when you discover that you are a clone. You are stunned. You are shocked. You want answers and you want them right now. Discovering that you are a clone in real life (if it ever happened) would leave even the strongest person in utter shock and probably be traumatic. But nope, not Tom Cruise! He can magically adjust to this paradigm shift in just a few seconds, come to grips with it and start fighting his own clone! This scene is yet another ripoff of 2009's MOON, where clones were scripted realistically and beautifully. MOON was a awesome, awesome movie and they did it on about 1/20th of the budget that Oblivion had.

Story error: Morgan Freeman, who is the leader, just decides to kill himself at the end because he wanted to SEE THE TET
Seriously, who the fuck put such a shitty leader in charge that he ends up dying on his own? There is no tactical reason for him to even go up there. He literally goes on a suicide mission. Great fucking job Morgan. Now you just left all your people leaderless down there with #2 dipshit-with-the-sniper in charge.

Here's a newsflash Tom: Five O'Clock shadow is no longer sexy.
I know Tom probably misses the days when people adored him during his Top Gun years, back in the 1980s when five-oclock shadow was 'in.' A lot of actors used it: Tom Selleck, The Miami Vice guys, Mike Shadow. Unfortunately, when you tickle 50, 95% of your whiskers are grey and when you Just For Men your hair with 'Real Black,' it's fine but looks really, really retarded when your beard is all grey but your hair is not. There is no logical reason why he should dye his hair anyways, it's just him and the redhead girl. She obviously loves him or at least cares about him but Tom Cruise is so fucking vain he has to Black his hair up, even if there's nobody around to care! Now THAT's dedication to vanity.


The Drones couldn't kill the survivors fast enough.
I know this sounds a little macabre but unlike the Matrix survivors who were in Zion, the writers offered no emotional build for the survivors. They just looked like a bunch of bomb-shelter tunnel rats, used over and over and over in countless movies. They all wear destaurated ripped clothing of course (except Morgan Freeman who, interestingly, has a kick-ass and unfrayed costume) scornful looks and hopeful gleams in their eye that they might survive. For me, I found myself actually rooting for the Drones. These people were so fucking stupid shooting worthless guns at the Drones anyways (versus seeking a hardened failsafe shelter which would have actually made some sense), they couldn't be killed off fast enough for me.

Obligatory heroine shot
Remember that scene where Jack's wife stands up stoically and shoots the Drone in the survivor tunnel? Yeah that was a real shitty attempt to chraracter-build.

Obligatory Tom Cruise 'Ball-O-Flame' Herro Shot
I mumbled to myself about thirty second into this movie, "IF I see a fucking scene where Tom Cruise jumps, is hurled or walks away from a massive ball-O-flame in the background, I'm going to punch my TV." Well, it actually happened of course. Jesus fuck they couldn't go the whole movie without a Tom Cruise Ball-O-Flame scene! Fuck Fuck Fuck me sideways. I didn't punch my TV because Im not Elvis and unlike Elvis, Im fucking broke and cant afford a new one.

Deus Ex mothafuking Machima
They just had to use a Deus Ex Machima (God-Machine/Sally) didn't they? Like this hasn't been fucking used over and over and over and over in movies, graphic novels, video games, books, TV shows, and any other media for that matter. The Borg. The Aliens from the Alien Franchise. The Deus Ex in the Matrix. The Lawnmower man. Tron. I could go on and on. What a copout for the writers. Cheap garbage and seriously derivative. Thanks for the original protagonist! You even made her Magic-8-ball shape thingy bristle! Great we the viewers are too stupid to figure out that she is an 'alive' AI! Thanks for that visual cue because we are so fucking stupid out here! Gratas!


The movie was visually wonderful though, so hats off to the CGI people and costuming, set design. It looked great but even with the most talented ancillaries, you cannot spackle over a generic ripoff of a screenplay.

I can't tell you enough how to fucking mad I am over this movie. I feel sorry for anyone who blew their money on IMAX to see this ripoff of a movie. Tom Cruise should be ashamed of himself for even wanting to do this thing. Morgan Freeman: Please read the screenplay before signing anything next time.

Last edited by RVideo; 07-24-2013 at 02:33 AM.
XYOX
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#2
07-24-2013
Default

mad
She only comes to me in my dreams
So sleep becomes routine
It's not healthy, it's what makes you right
It's not healthy, it's what makes you...

She only comes to me in my dreams

So sleep becomes addicting
It's not healthy, it's what makes you right
It's not healthy, it's what makes you...



Sparkasm
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#3
07-24-2013
Default

Fuck Tom Cruise, Fuck Scientology.
gotzeus
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#4
07-24-2013
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i just watched it

oh this could be the prequel...lol

damn copy cats

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Shunt
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#5
07-24-2013
Default

I have never seen someone nitpick a movie as hard as you did. Christ. Sure the movie wasn't great, but you are hating it over the most retarded reasons. Do you over analyze every movie you see?
Spence
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#7
07-24-2013
Default

Tom Cruise tha gawd
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#8
07-24-2013
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shunt View Post
I have never seen someone nitpick a movie as hard as you did. Christ. Sure the movie wasn't great, but you are hating it over the most retarded reasons. Do you over analyze every movie you see?
Yeah I was just going to say that.

You gotta settle down, man. A lot of what you said were 'story errors' were not story errors at all.
Shunt
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#9
07-24-2013
Default

I think bouts of rage over trivial things is one of the symptoms of dementia.
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#10
07-24-2013
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I mean I agree with him that the film was absolute shit, but still. But still.
 

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